The Price of Being Lonely

How do we deal with loneliness? I still haven’t gotten pass that one. Being married for 21 years and divorced for 15, I still have not been able to master the “being alone” part. I have been told by a lot of people, you’ll be okay. But guess what, they are either married or bitter divorcees that have nothing good to say.

I sit and digest the fact that God did not think Adam should be alone. But…I should be? Nope, not bitter, just in pain. Sometimes, I am fine. I get up, work out, go to work, do my work, come home – eat…maybe. Try to read the Bible, get discouraged, cry a lot and then wonder: what is wrong with me? Throw myself a huge pity party, and then ask my Father for forgiveness because I know it’s wrong. I know it’s not about me, never has been, never will be.

But what do you do when the only voice you hear is your own? What do you do when the phone never rings except for someone trying to sell something? What do you do when you sit down to eat and there is no one there to talk about how your/their day went? What do you do when you cook for one, and eat for one, and clean for one? What do you do when sometimes all you want is a shoulder to lay your head on to fall asleep? What do you do when the weekend comes and there is no one at all to share it with?

People have said, go out and meet people….Really? What do I do, put a sign around my neck?

I still believe in love. Am I naïve?

How do I move pass…move on…quit believing?

CONDUITS OF COMFORT - Part Three: Overcoming

In this short series, I’ve talked about pain and loneliness. I want to end it with an explanation of the title, Conduits of Comfort and how to overcome not only pain and loneliness, but everything that sends us to a bad place and causes us to take our focus off the most important entities in our lives; our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and the Father of us all, the Almighty God.

According to Merriman-Webster, a conduit is defined as: 1) a pipe or tube through which something (such as water or wire) passes; and 2) someone or something that is used as a way of sending something (such as information or money) from one place or person to another. 

Let’s be enlightened by the second definition; for that someone is Christ and that something is His Word, the Bible. The information being transmitted is hope. We have hope in Christ through the Word for overcoming every –and I mean every – obstacle in our lives! No matter how much pain we have been in or are in, there is no comfort like that found in Jesus Christ. No matter how lonely we are, there is no friend on whom we can depend on to be with us like Jesus Christ. Don’t you just love saying that name! Jesus - “Jehovah is salvation” “the healer” “the Soter or Iesous” (meaning savior of his people)” and Christ – “Christos or the anointed”  “Excellent” “Messiah or anointed of God”. Just the meaning of His name should give us immeasurable comfort! I love Jesus with every fiber of my being! When I think about the pain that has been inflicted on me, when I think of the pain I go through daily just by living in this world, I counter the pain with beautiful, wonderful, tearfully happy thoughts of my Savior. Have you been so happy until you can’t do anything but cry “thank you Lord!” Well that is just what we need to do when that pain hits us; thank Him! Thank him that we can go through it that we’re not so hard until we don’t believe He is going to help us get through everything! When I become lonely and feel like crawling in a dark corner, I counter the loneliness with thoughts of my Lord, Jesus. I know that the loneliness will only be for a season and when the season has come to an end, I emerge stronger, more ready to do His work!

Jesus and His Word are our conduits of comfort. See for yourself; know that He loves us and gives us strength to face the pain, to face the loneliness, to face to the ugliness of a selfish, cruel world. Remember that the Lord is good and kind, our ever-present protector and provider of comfort in times of need: Deuteronomy 31:8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Psalm 119:76 May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Finally, the 23^rd Psalm says it better than I ever could: ¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. ² He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, ³ he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. ⁴ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. ⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. ⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

As I complete this post, there are tears in my eyes because I know that as this day goes on I may experience both bouts of pain and loneliness. But the tears are not for that, they are for the knowledge that I am going to make it through because I know the Lord! I know Him! He is my everlasting conduit of comfort!

CONDUITS OF COMFORT - Part Two: A Disease Called Loneliness

Depression. Insomnia. Sleeping too much. Weight loss. Weight gain. Lack of Appetite. Hypertension. Digestive Problems. Ulcers....Sounds like a disease diagnosis doesn't it? It is! And the disease is called loneliness.

Many of us has had, and some still suffer from this disease. The malady of loneliness has been widely studied. Health care professionals and social scientist alike all agree that loneliness is a real, serious disease. University of Chicago's social psychologist, John Cacioppo suggests that chronic loneliness can have significantly adverse effects on the cardiovascular system, causing a chain reaction that consequently leads to other problems that are just as serious, such as high blood pressure and diabetes.

You can be socially connected to 1,000 people on Facebook and still be lonely. Not because your life isn't crowed, but because your world is empty. Being lonely is not the same as being alone. People are usually okay being alone. Being alone are the times that help us to renew our minds, discover our inner-selves, and commune with an awesome God! But loneliness? Loneliness is like looking in the mirror and nothing stares back. It is like an echo; when you cry out, the only voice that comes back to you is your own; hollow, blank, lifeless.

God did not make man (woman) to be alone. He knew that it wold be an unhealthy state to exist in. That is why being lonely is so devastating. It is so easy to see how this disease can strike. The mental immune system is weak, allowing the germ of loneliness to infiltrate the system. It can become all-consuming, reeking havoc on the mind and body.

However, as with most diseases, there is a cure. Also, as with most diseases, the cure is not a simple or easy fix. There are steps that must be followed; guidelines to adhere to or the results sought will not be realized. First and foremost we must remember that if God made us (which he most certainly did!) He knows our needs. It is not His desire for us to be alone. If we've never experienced real love, He wants us to. But we have to be willing to understand our role and be amendable to following the instructions on the prescription bottles.

One thing we do know is that Christ also suffered loneliness in a very brief moment when he felt His Father had left him. Matthew 27:46 "And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that is, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" Also take comfort in the fact that Christ absolutely understands our loneliness.Hebrews 4:14-16 "Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

We also have to remember that God will never leave us; he will never forsake us! He will give us what we need. What we need to do is first of all trust in Him and know that He will provide us with what we need to get through the next day of loneliness, and the next day, and the next day. Give it over to Him and wait on Him. Do I think it's easy? Heck no! Sometimes the loneliness I feel is so overwhelming that I cry, and cry, and cry; so hard until I wonder how I am able to even breathe! Do I lose faith sometimes? You bet! But then I remember that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147.3 He will hold me up, hold my hand, hold it so tight that I can't let go! Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Am I still scared? You better believe it! However, I've found that focusing on the needs of others helps tremendously. Taking me out of the way and putting my energies in working for His kingdom feels takes away the pain.

We need to learn to trust God to provide for our needs. We cannot expect Him to answer our prayers, to provide for our needs and to comfort us in times of loneliness and we do nothing in return.  Our prescription includes reaching and encouraging others; believing in God and doing  what He says to do - [like] keeping  His Commandments! We have to live by every Word of God. The entire Bible is written by inspiration of God (2 Timothy 3:16), so we must believe the Bible and live by it.

Do I get tired sometimes? Absolutely yes!  Loneliness is a disease can tear us down, cause depression and negatively impact our health.. But our Father says He will take care of everything! He provides for the sparrows; He can certainly provide for us (Luke 12:6-7). God is a loving Father who loves us even more than any parent loves his or her little child. Learn to trust Him to care for every need you have. Lean on him; when you find yourself falling, wrap your arms around him. When you want to give up, wrap your legs around him, feel the warmth of Him; hear the steady heartbeat and don't let go! Your battle is won, just let Him do it in His own time!

First Things First

Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?". For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all those things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. (Matthew 6:31-33)

When I was in my early twenties, just embarking on my journey into adulthood, I used to dream and want, and want and dream. I grew up in a religious household and understanding the need to read and study the Bible. But as I grew up, I became so fixated on what I wanted that I forgot "first things first."

I lived a pretty typical young adult's life; working and waiting for the weekend, so that I could party; sometimes so much so until when Sunday morning came around, I would be too exhausted to go to church. I forgot "first things first."

Then I got married, suffered through 21 years of unhappiness; and kept asking: Why me? Why Me? You see, I forgot "first things first."

When I got divorced, I became a rebel at an age closer to 50 than 40. I wanted to experience all of what I thought I had missed out on being married at 25 and for such a long time. I forgot "first things first."

My post-marriage experience turned out to be nothing but a frantic grasp at trying to live a life I thought would make me happy and give me fulfillment; I forgot "first things first."

During my fruitless attempts at self-awakening, I went through a myriad of crazy emotions and far-reaching impulsive adventures that were exciting and truly destructive. I played games I would never had done before. I became reckless, getting involved with two "bad boys", and all while harboring  feelings of uneasiness throughout both relationships...I was just seeking a bit of happiness; looking for a reason to justify my foolishness. I forgot "first things first."

With my divorce came the crushing reality I was left alone to pick up the financial pieces of a broken marriage. Bills were mounting and I felt the walls were closing in and I was emotionally drowning. I forgot "first things first."

During that time, I lost three people who were extremely close to me; my mother and my 'play' mother. Then I lost me. I struggled to make sense of everything that had happened to me. I struggled with trying to make ends meet I struggled with an overwhelming loneliness. I struggled with those loss. I struggled with no one to turn to for encouragement. I forgot "first things first."

I began to start worrying. I worried about everything. How was I going to pay my bills; sometimes how was I going to get food to eat; how was I just going to make it from day-to-day. I was a mess because I forgot "first things first."

It has been thirteen years that I've been struggling with all of this. Thirteen years of not looking up when I felt my world crashing around me. Thirteen years of not handing my problems over to the One who has taken on the cares of the entire world and continues to do so every day-every hour-every second. Thirteen years of forgetting "first things first."

Now as I pen this post, I can smile. My life is still a mess; I still struggle with paying bills and making ends meet; I still suffer from overwhelming bouts of loneliness; I still sometimes feel inadequate. However, now I know that through my Savior, I can do all things. (Philippians 4:13)

Christ loves us and we can lay aside all worries. He has already given us everything we need. We have an all-inclusive promise from the Lord in Matthew 6:33. We don't ever have to worry how are bills are going to be paid; if we'll have a place to live; if we'll have food to eat, or even if we will have someone special in our lives. The Lord is ready and able to give it all...and He will! But, we have to realize and do our part. We need to look up and never forget "first things first!"

A Cure For Fear

What are you afraid of? Being alone; flying the friendly skies; getting old; getting sick; death; having no friends; not accomplishing your goals; giving up on your dreams; life's inconsistencies or life itself? Our greatest enemy is fear! Strange as it may seem, we even fear, fear! I've had and still continue to have fears that I am trying to conquer. So writing this post will be easy because I am going to keep it real and personal. I am sure that many of you will be able to identify with my fears as you may have some of the same ones that I do. It is my prayer that I will touch upon something that will cause you to think.

2 Timothy 1:7 tells us, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirt of power, of love and of self-discipline." This tells me that the Lord gave us the power to overcome fear. Our spirits should not be timid, but so disciplined until we operate in love with all that we do. The Lord is with us in all our trials, we should not be afraid to face them. To fear is to place an unnecessary burden on ourselves when all we need to do is trust in the Lord. "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." Proverbs 29:25.

I understand how hard it is to overcome fear. I truly understand how hard it is to 'let go and let God'. For years I've struggled with the thought of being alone as I grow older. I struggle with the reality that when my youngest daughter finally leaves home, it'll just be me in that big condo...alone. I struggle with the loneliness that engulfs me everyday when I come home from work and sit and eat alone and watch television alone and retreat to my bedroom alone. I struggle with paying bills and cry from seeing a paycheck I works so hard for and take so much ugliness from the world to earn, be absorbed by bills and I then wonder how I am going to make it though the next two weeks until I get paid again. I struggle with the thought of failing health. I struggle with the fact that I have no friends in the city I live in, and sometimes my phone doesn't ring for days except for solicitors. I struggle a lot with trying to find things to do to keep my mind occupied so that I won't be consumed by feat. I struggle with the thoughts of something horrible happening to my children, grandchildren, or other close family members. I struggle with the thought of not fulfilling my goals, or realizing my dreams.  My struggles are ALL fears...so are yours! Fears that at some point have utterly consumed me and taken my focus away from where it should be...above. David knew and encourages us where to put our trust. "When I am afraid I will trust you. In God, whose word I praise. In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" Psalm 56:3-4

What Do You Have In That Bag? Part Two

Bag of Loneliness

            It is said that the most common illness of the soul is loneliness. Whether rich, poor, single, married, teenage, mid-lifer, or senior citizen, we have or will experience the affliction of loneliness. It settles upon us like a shroud, intensifying in its duration much like the permeating heat from a blazing summer sun or the freezing arctic blast of winter’s fierce iciness.  It burns into our minds and freezes our hearts. No one is immune to the devastation it can wreak in our lives.

            We don’t have to be in an empty room or faced with solitude to be lonely. Loneliness can occur in a crowded room, in the midst of a swarm of family and friends. Loneliness is a feeling of utter “alone-ness”.

            For me, loneliness was looking around and feeling like there was nothing for me. In this huge expanse of universe, the only existence for me was me. There was no one upon whom I could lean on – lean into, and rely upon to help me conquer my doubts and fears. When I walked in the sunlight, I cast no shadow; when I looked into the mirror, there was no reflection. My world was black and white; there was no color to help define my joy for there wasn’t any. I felt forsaken by God, by family, by self.

            There were times in my life when I was so lonely until I would sit or lay and cry for hours. I’d pray and pray, and ask God how long I would have to endure such loneliness. I would reflect upon the scriptures and remember that He said He would supply all of my needs, yet here I was, so very lonely. Was companionship not a need? Where was God, and why had He abandoned me yet again? How could He go back on His promises to me? Didn’t He know what I was going through? Of course He did! Jesus knew what I was going through. I know he had his share of loneliness; after all, He became a man and shared in our emotions on our level. Hebrews 2:14 confirms, “Inasmuch then as the children have partaken of flesh and blood, He Himself likewise shared in the same, that through death He might destroy him who had the power of death, that is, the devil.” Christ was both human divine, He is well aware of our needs. His “humanness” allows him to identify with us as found in Philippians 2:5-8.

            David shares so much with us to remind us that God is always with us, no matter what we are going through, including the overwhelming pain of loneliness. Sometimes loneliness is the result of a broken heart (Psalm 34:17-19) and in that God is there for us; we but only need to call out to Him. We are told in Isaiah 41:10 that the Lord is with us, and He will strengthen us! Again in Matthew 28:20, Jesus himself lets us know that He will be with us forever. Also see Hebrews 3:5. James tells us to “draw near to God and He will draw near to you” (James 4:8) 

            In times when you feel alone, draw near to God and meditate on His word. If we focus more on drawing near to God and seeking His kingdom, He will supply all our needs as found in Matthew 6:33. If we spend that time focusing on God, we will have very little time to focus on our state of being.