AN OPEN LETTER TO MYSELF: IT'S TIME TO FORGIVE YOURSELF!

Last week I had someone of whom I feel very strongly about tell me that I have to much baggage to be part of his life. My first reaction was to become bitter and angry, but after a moment, I knew that I could not become angry about how he felt or what he desired from someone he chose to share his world. That was my baggage. Because of the depth of my feelings for this person, his words hurt very much. But he went on to explain, at my request, what he meant by baggage.

I had shared with him the things I'd gone through in my marriage; the physical and mental abuse, the cruel words, the demeaning things said about me. How I'd been told I was fat and ugly and after my divorce, I would never find anyone who wanted me. I allowed these words, this treatment, to engulf me. I then got caught up in a couple of relationships after my divorce, maybe to prove him wrong. But those relationships turned out to be almost as bad (though short-lived) as my 21-year marriage. In those relationships, I thought just because they didn't physical abuse me, they loved me just like they said. However, I put my very soul in danger, all because I had not let go of the things done to me in the past and I felt I had to prove something. I had to keep everyone at a certain distance to protect myself. I felt I was the reason my marriage didn't work out; there had to be something wrong with me. Maybe I didn't love him enough, or the right way. Somewhere I was lacking in my wifely duties. There was something  I did that made him want to hit me, treat me bad, belittle me. Whatever I did to ruin things, when I got a divorce I did not plan on doing them again, so I carried it with me as a reminder of the road I was not going to travel down again. Big mistake because I used it as my relationship gauge.


In time and through study, prayer, and counsel I was able to forgive my ex-husband, I was able to forgive those of the other failed relationships because I could finally acknowledge my role all that happened to me. Even if my role was not seeking the Lord's counsel before putting myself in a situation I knew was neither morally or spiritually right for me. Or not turning to my family for help when I needed it because I was too stubborn and proud. Through tearful and well-thought out letters, I was able to ask then for forgiveness in my role as well as forgive them for theirs. And I know if they ever need me, if it is within my ability, I will be there for them.

However, in forgiving them, I did not forgive myself. I've carried all of this around with me for so long until it has become part of me. It had become the useless baggage that has caused me to lose someone I really love. Through this loss, I am grateful. Grateful even though it has been a painful blow to be told I must confront the baggage before it destroys me. And it will destroy me because it takes my focus off where it should be and puts it squarely on me. I dwell on what has happened instead of what God has brought me through! I dwell on why me instead of why not me! I dwell on what I want instead of what God wants of me! So I do thank him for caring enough to let me know I was on a bad path to soul destruction.

Work on me...those were the words given me. Work on me. I never knew what that meant until now. Work on me. My rightful interpretation for those words...let it go. Let it all go! I've done sinful things, exhibited sinful behavior and I cannot take it back! If I could, I would, but I can't so it's time to let it go and get on with my living for the Lord. I cannot live for Him if I keep looking back and the Bible clearly tells me that in Philippians 3:13-14 "Brethren I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus". See, I now know that I don't have to worry about the past and what I did to myself. I need...no I have to cast ALL of my cares on the Lord because He does care for me! (1 Peter 5:7) And my forgiveness of myself begins there along with knowing that God will cleanse me from them. (1 John 1:9) I first have to acknowledge them and I certainly cannot do it if I'm carrying them around with me like a memorial!

There is so much beauty, so much joy, so much happiness living in the Lord and I want it all! I know I can do it, I've got to give it over to the Lord...I've got to trust in Him because I am dumb, I don't know anything (Proverbs 16:20). When I seek His forgiveness, the Lord is so gracious to do so (Psalm 103:2). Who am I not to do the same for myself?

I am done with the guilt. I am done with the pain. I am done with putting more on myself than I ought. I am done with it all. Everything is a blessing, even when I've gone and will go through the rough times. I came through them! I can share my victory in the Lord with others. I can be a blessing to them! Even now with the hurt of the realization of what my actions have cost me, I am still blessed. I am finally on the right road and God be praised! I am forgiving myself. I can't be any good to anyone with this baggage. It's been hard, but it is another lesson learned; a lesson that is drawing me closer to my Lord.

Today, I've forgiven me! Today I am working on me. Today I am taking the focus off the me that hinders my service to Christ. Today I acknowledge that it is not, never has been, and never will be about me! Today it is time to be content. Today I am striving to be a better person for doing His will and that is my whole duty. Today, I realize that God has brought me through so very much and instead of dragging it around with me, I should just say "Thank you Lord".